As a healer and lightworker, I have spent a tremendous amount of energy in years past trying to help people who seemed to me to need help. From my very earliest memories of playing mediator in my family of birth, to taking a series of lame ducks under my wing even when I was still in elementary school, to more adult manifestations such as giving advice to friends: When I saw pain or suffering, I immediately moved in to try to fix it.
As I have stepped into conscious awareness, several things have become clear. I have come to understand that pain, fear, anger, and suffering are experiences that we create at a Spirit level to help us learn and grow. It’s quite likely that by trying to fix things for my friends, that I have actually gotten in the way of their spiritual growth by clearing up messes that they had created to help themselves grow.
Still, as a healer, the pain of those around me is often difficult to experience. Unless I am absolutely centered in my own space, their pain becomes my pain, or at least my discomfort. And my urge to fix it is partly motivated by my desire to not have to experience those uncomfortable emotions.
Releasing the urge to fix things is an ongoing lesson for me. It helps when people try to fix me, which they occasionally do, and I don’t like it one bit! Offering to fix things for another is at its core invalidation–it sends the spirit level message of “I’m going to help you with this because I don’t believe you are capable of resolving it by yourself.” We may not be conscious that that is the message we are sending, but it is there nonetheless.
This exchange of unconscious messages was brought home to me a few days ago as I watched a teacher I know deliver a little gift to a colleague. The energy I saw beneath that exchange was invalidation, and it prompted the poem below.
When you give me
Those little gifts,
As you do so often,
(Unasked and unexpected)
I am grateful,
When you look at me
What is the hole you see
That you think that you must fill for me?